Thursday, November 20, 2008 | Reason : Comedy | print version

I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians

by The Onion

Reposted from:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/im_not_one_of_those_love_thy

THE ONION IS FAKE NEWS

BY JANET COSGROVE
CHRISTIAN
NOVEMBER 19, 2008 | ISSUE 44•47

Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent folks. We don't all blindly follow a bunch of outdated biblical tenets or go all fanatical about every bit of dogma. What I'm trying to say is, don't let the actions of a vocal few color your perceptions about what the majority of us are like.

Like me. I may be a Christian, but it's not like I'm one of those wacko "love your neighbor as yourself " types.

God forbid!

I'm here to tell you there are lots of Christians who aren't anything like the preconceived notions you may have. We're not all into "turning the other cheek." We don't spend our days committing random acts of kindness for no credit. And although we believe that the moral precepts in the Book of Leviticus are the infallible word of God, it doesn't mean we're all obsessed with extremist notions like "righteousness" and "justice."

My faith in the Lord is about the pure, simple values: raising children right, saying grace at the table, strictly forbidding those who are Methodists or Presbyterians from receiving communion because their beliefs are heresies, and curing homosexuals. That's all. Just the core beliefs. You won't see me going on some frothy-mouthed tirade about being a comfort to the downtrodden.

I'm a normal Midwestern housewife. I believe in the basic teachings of the Bible and the church. Divorce is forbidden. A woman is to be an obedient subordinate to the male head of the household. If a man lieth down with another man, they shall be taken out and killed. Things everybody can agree on, like the miracle of glossolalia that occurred during Pentecost, when the Apostles were visited by the Holy Spirit, who took the form of cloven tongues of fire hovering just above their heads. You know, basic common sense stuff.

But that doesn't mean I think people should, like, forgive the sins of those who trespass against them or anything weird like that.

We're not all "Jesus Freaks" who run around screaming about how everyone should "Judge not lest ye be judged," whine "Blessed are the meek" all the time, or drone on and on about how we're all equal in the eyes of God! Some of us are just trying to be good, honest folks who believe the unbaptized will roam the Earth for ages without the comfort of God's love when Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior returns on Judgment Day to whisk the righteous off to heaven.

Now, granted, there are some Christians on the lunatic fringe who take their beliefs a little too far. Take my coworker Karen, for example. She's way off the deep end when it comes to religion: going down to the homeless shelter to volunteer once a month, donating money to the poor, visiting elderly shut-ins with the Meals on Wheels program—you name it!

But believe me, we're not all that way. The people in my church, for the most part, are perfectly ordinary Americans like you and me. They believe in the simple old-fashioned traditions—Christmas, Easter, the slow and deliberate takeover of more and more county school boards to get the political power necessary to ban evolution from textbooks statewide. That sort of thing.

We oppose gay marriage as an abomination against the laws of God and America, we're against gun control, and we fervently and unwaveringly believe that the Jews, Muslims, and all on earth who are not born-again Pentecostalists are possessed by Satan and should be treated as such.

When it comes down to it, all we want is to see every single member of the human race convert to our religion or else be condemned by a jealous and wrathful God to suffer an eternity of agony and torture in the Lake of Fire!

I hope I've helped set the record straight, and I wish you all a very nice day! God bless you!

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1. Comment #287724 by binlid on November 20, 2008 at 2:52 pm

Ahh ...as james joyce said shite and onions

Other Comments by binlid

2. Comment #287727 by Cluebot on November 20, 2008 at 2:59 pm

THE ONION IS FAKE NEWS

Was that note really necessary here? I do hope not...

Other Comments by Cluebot

3. Comment #287731 by admin on November 20, 2008 at 3:08 pm

Was that note really necessary here?

YES (see past onion posts).

Other Comments by admin

4. Comment #287732 by ty90 on November 20, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Hey everyone, it is my birthday tomorrow : the 21 of nov.
I was born 1990.
I know there are plenty of older and wiser people on this site so, any advice on being 18?

Other Comments by ty90

5. Comment #287734 by Goldy on November 20, 2008 at 3:13 pm

ty90
Enjoy life, be responsible and remember one day you'll be just like those old fogies who don't, apparently, have a clue ;-)

Oh, and if you want children, don't wait until you're 40. They're bloody tiring!

Other Comments by Goldy

6. Comment #287735 by Eshto on November 20, 2008 at 3:15 pm

@ty90:

Yeah here's some good advice: when you post comments on internet forums, make them relevant to the topic under discussion.

Happy birthday.

:)

Other Comments by Eshto

7. Comment #287736 by Steve Zara on November 20, 2008 at 3:17 pm

Comment #287732 by ty90

Keep on learning, and stay skeptical. Every decade of your life, there will be major discoveries that will make some of the science you learn in the previous decade look outdated.

I have seen things in my life that I only dreamed of when I was your age - pictures of solar systems, of atoms, and from the surface of a moon of Saturn. You have an exciting life ahead.

Edit: Ignore Eshto!

Forums are anarchic, and go their own way. Enjoy the freedom!

Other Comments by Steve Zara

8. Comment #287738 by Goldy on November 20, 2008 at 3:20 pm

I have seen things in my life that I only dreamed of when I was your age - pictures of solar systems, of atoms, and from the surface of a moon of Saturn.

as well as mobile phones not shaped like a brick (and as heavy....)
Dare say you'll be seeing things like this happening
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/20/science/20mammoth.html?ref=science

Other Comments by Goldy

9. Comment #287739 by The Truth, the light on November 20, 2008 at 3:21 pm

Cluebot. It can be extremely difficult to tell the difference between religious satire and seriously held religious beliefs.

Other Comments by The Truth, the light

10. Comment #287741 by crazyivan498 on November 20, 2008 at 3:24 pm

The onion is fake satirical news. I read somewhere that the editor of the Onion is an atheist. You can tell when you read some of the stories like this one

Other Comments by crazyivan498

11. Comment #287742 by Steve Zara on November 20, 2008 at 3:25 pm

Comment #287738 by Goldy

Mobile phones like a brick were enough for me. I don't understand why people wanted more.

Other Comments by Steve Zara

12. Comment #287743 by tvictor on November 20, 2008 at 3:26 pm

"...when the Apostles were visited by the Holy Spirit, who took the form of cloven tongues of fire hovering just above their heads. You know, basic common sense stuff."

I see.......

Other Comments by tvictor

13. Comment #287744 by decius on November 20, 2008 at 3:27 pm

Comment #287736 by Steve Zara

when I was your age

Before the Industrial Revolution.

Other Comments by decius

14. Comment #287745 by phatbat on November 20, 2008 at 3:28 pm

4. Comment #287732 by ty90

Happy Birthday ty90.

Other Comments by phatbat

15. Comment #287746 by Eshto on November 20, 2008 at 3:30 pm

"Edit: Ignore Eshto!

Forums are anarchic, and go their own way.!"

Except for all the ones with guidelines and stricter moderators.

Speaking of which ty90, beware older people, your youth makes them feel nostalgic and slightly regretful and they'll want to live vicariously through you, so they'll tell you to enjoy every precious moment of your life, don't listen to anyone else and throw caution to the wind! Even though that would probably lead to a whole lot of trouble for you.

Ah, romantic idealism...

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16. Comment #287747 by decius on November 20, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Comment #287732 by ty90

You have already found your way to the site of a great and inspiring role model. I am positive that you are a smart fellow and that you need little advice from us. Just stay the course.
I echo Steve's sentiments, too.

Happy birthday.

Other Comments by decius

17. Comment #287748 by Goldy on November 20, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Comment #287742 by Steve Zara
You luddite, you :-)
Can I also mention the internet today (we had JANET, as I recall, and not everyone used it) and the widespread availabilty of computers (at least, in the developed parts of the globe) to take full advantege of said medium :-)

Other Comments by Goldy

18. Comment #287749 by Goldy on November 20, 2008 at 3:32 pm

Eshto - I just assumed you were playing the part of the old fogie ty90 is going to become ;-)

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19. Comment #287750 by mordacious1 on November 20, 2008 at 3:35 pm

Yes, we should all post things relative to the topic. In case anyone is wondering if the U.S. will ever lose its dominance in basketball:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l25bkqWPAQI

Other Comments by mordacious1

20. Comment #287751 by Goldy on November 20, 2008 at 3:35 pm

ty90 - more you get to see that Thatcher's years never really revealed to me
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/3491531/Ice-glaciers-three-times-the-size-of-Los-Angeles-discovered-on-Mars.html

You are one lucky dude!

Other Comments by Goldy

21. Comment #287752 by Eshto on November 20, 2008 at 3:37 pm

"In case anyone is wondering if the U.S. will ever lose its dominance in basketball:"

We still have dominance in something?!?

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22. Comment #287753 by Steve Zara on November 20, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Ty90-

As decius says, Richard Dawkins is a wonderful role model. There can be no better scientist than someone like him who promotes his ideas with passion, but when he finds out he is wrong, he celebrates it and points this out in his books, and finds it exciting.

Emulate Dawkins. Be passionate about your ideas, but also be that rare person - someone who, when they find they are wrong, treat it positively as part of your education.

I think there are few greater and more satisfying things than intense intelligent debate between people who disagree, but respect each other.

Other Comments by Steve Zara

23. Comment #287755 by Sciros on November 20, 2008 at 3:46 pm

hah mordacious, if only dribbling were worth points in basketball.

The US will stay dominant in basketball for at least the next 10 years, and probably longer. Our pros are simply far more athletic than those in other countries, and with international basketball becoming more like NBA in terms of rules, I don't see things getting any easier for the rest of the world.

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24. Comment #287756 by Mark Jones on November 20, 2008 at 3:47 pm

Comment #287748 by Goldy

we had JANET, as I recall, and not everyone used it

I miss Compuserve. But not much. The joy of waiting 5 minutes for a little picture!

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25. Comment #287757 by Sciros on November 20, 2008 at 3:48 pm

ty90, I recommend the W.W.B.D. approach to life. Similar to W.W.J.D. but everyone knows Jesus would just pussy out and go die on a cross, which is why What Would Batman Do is so much more awesome.

Other Comments by Sciros

26. Comment #287758 by ev-love on November 20, 2008 at 3:49 pm

4. Comment #287732 by ty90 on November 20, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Goldy's advice is pretty good, ty90 (especially the bit about children!) but I'm sure I'm a LOT older than he is...

The bad news is: it never gets any easier...the good news: you never really stop being 18!

Also, statistically, I'll be dead in the next 5-10 years.

Maybe I won't be so brave when the time comes, but right now that doesn't worry me at all. I love my kids and my friends and I sure as hell don't need Creepy Jesus!

I love life. One day I'll fall asleep. That's it!

ev-love

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27. Comment #287759 by Red Nomad on November 20, 2008 at 3:51 pm

This thread seems to have gone a bit off track, but happy birthday anyway ty90.

On another topic, I agree with Cluebot. Telling everone that the onion is fake news sort of takes half the fun out it. I suppose there might be a few people who don't know what the onion is - If there are I think they should probably be left to figure this out for themselves.

Other Comments by Red Nomad

28. Comment #287761 by j.mills on November 20, 2008 at 3:52 pm

Steve said:

I have seen things in my life that I only dreamed of when I was your age - pictures of solar systems, of atoms, and from the surface of a moon of Saturn...

...attack ships in formation off the shoulder of Orion. All those moments will be lost... :)

And for ty90: I've always been too much of a wuss to practice this, but: It's better to regret having done something than to regret not having done it!

Other Comments by j.mills

29. Comment #287762 by decius on November 20, 2008 at 3:53 pm

Comment #287761 by j.mills

Brilliant!

Other Comments by decius

30. Comment #287763 by Eshto on November 20, 2008 at 3:54 pm

Ty90:

Also, the left lane is for passing. If you want to drive at a goddamn snail's pace then move over to the right

(reverse these directions if you live in one of those strange countries where all the cars and roads are backwards).

Other Comments by Eshto

31. Comment #287764 by Laurie Fraser on November 20, 2008 at 3:57 pm

I've just coined a new collective noun after reading this page:

A maudlin of old fogies.

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32. Comment #287766 by Steve Zara on November 20, 2008 at 3:59 pm

Comment #287761 by j.mills

Wonderful...
And Laurie, I am not maudlin, or an old fogey. There so so much more I expect to see.

Other Comments by Steve Zara

33. Comment #287767 by Laurie Fraser on November 20, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Me too, Steve - I still want to be around when we make first contact!

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

34. Comment #287768 by Wosret on November 20, 2008 at 4:01 pm

4. Comment #287732 by ty90

Stay in school! Get an education. The best one that you can.

Other Comments by Wosret

35. Comment #287769 by decius on November 20, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Comment #287764 by Laurie Fraser

I take issue with that. :)

Maudlin
Etymology:
alteration of Mary Magdalene; from her depiction as a weeping penitent

I am as impenitent as they come.

Other Comments by decius

36. Comment #287770 by Eshto on November 20, 2008 at 4:03 pm

"I still want to be around when we make first contact"

Oh good lord, as if the fundies aren't hysterical enough already. Can you imagine how they would cope with an alien encounter?

Other Comments by Eshto

37. Comment #287771 by Laurie Fraser on November 20, 2008 at 4:04 pm

Decius: Speaking of old fogies, I thought you said "I'm as impotent as they come.

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38. Comment #287772 by Wosret on November 20, 2008 at 4:05 pm

36. Comment #287770 by Eshto

They would just claim it was the devil's work, and that the aliens were demons, and the rapture ready website would add a few marks to its prophecy fulfillment wish-list.

Other Comments by Wosret

39. Comment #287773 by Sciros on November 20, 2008 at 4:05 pm

We're probably like 1000000000000 times more likely to nuke ourselves into oblivion than we are to make contact with intelligent alien life.

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40. Comment #287774 by Goldy on November 20, 2008 at 4:05 pm

*Adjusts foil hat, checks no one in earshot*
I thought "they" did make contact already. "They" just aren't telling anyone!

*picks up computer and monitor, destroys all evidence by burning, readjusts foil hat*

Other Comments by Goldy

41. Comment #287775 by j.mills on November 20, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Laurie, surely that would be "as impotent as they don't come"?

Other Comments by j.mills

42. Comment #287776 by Laurie Fraser on November 20, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Comment #287775 by j.mills

Nice!

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43. Comment #287777 by decius on November 20, 2008 at 4:07 pm

J.mills in great shape, tonight.

Other Comments by decius

44. Comment #287778 by Steve Zara on November 20, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Comment #287768 by Wosret

Indeed. Two things you can never learn enough about:

Mathematics and cooking.

Other Comments by Steve Zara

45. Comment #287779 by j.mills on November 20, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Sciros said:

We're probably like 1000000000000 times more likely to nuke ourselves into oblivion than we are to make contact with intelligent alien life.

Well, okay, let's try for that, then. Attainable targets!

Other Comments by j.mills

46. Comment #287780 by Red Nomad on November 20, 2008 at 4:08 pm

another note to ty90

Like it says in the song, wear sunscreen. Also remember what it says about advice

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

Damn. I'm starting to show my own age now.

Other Comments by Red Nomad

47. Comment #287781 by Wosret on November 20, 2008 at 4:08 pm

The stars are too far apart. We will never make contact with an alien civilization. Maybe if the organic supernova occurs, and we start spreading out from our solar system in all directions, after a few hundred thousand years or so one of the groups would run into a group of aliens with a similar reason for their being in the same place at the same time.

Otherwise, it isn't going to happen.

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48. Comment #287783 by Eshto on November 20, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Whatever Wosret, everyone knows the warp drive gets invented in 2063.

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49. Comment #287784 by Border Collie on November 20, 2008 at 4:16 pm

j mills ... 'like tear drops in rain' ... one of my top five favorite movies of my entire life ... Roy composing a little death poem just like a Samurai warrior ... live forever Ridley Scott ...

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50. Comment #287785 by decius on November 20, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Comment #287781 by Wosret

The stars are too far apart. We will never make contact with an alien civilization.

While the odds are certainly low, you are making several huge unwarranted assumptions.

That there is no civilisation within a short radius from our system.
That the current limits of our technology and of relativistic physics cannot be overcome. Even if manned interstellar travel proved impossible, nothing would prevent an advanced alien civilisation to find us through robotic exploration launched sometimes in the remote past.
It would still count as contact, as well as telecommunication would.

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